This one has been marinating in my brain for the past year and a half, and I wasn’t sure exactly when it was going to come to fruition. But then I started seeing signs…
… signs of the times…
… signs of the end times…?
… and it became obvious that the moment had really come.
Sometimes, Anna, a banana is just a banana. Every once in a while a tsock - or a pair of tsocks, as the case may be - must inevitably burst the bounds of the high-falutin’ high-concept fancy-schmancy… and just devote itself to One. Dumb. Joke.
This is that pair of tsocks.
(I had some fun with typography here. The title typeface is called “Bite Me.” The tagline typeface is called “Amity Jack,” and I bet you can guess what it was used for in 1975.)
The shark theme has been done, of course; this, however, is the Tshark theme…
… and as such it is intended to go farther over the top, and deeper under the bottom, than your average sea-going pedator. (Check out my shiny new neologism that I just this minute made up! “Pedator” - a predator that is worn on the foot, geddit?)
Now just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels
And then, by gradual degrees,
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
Are slowly eaten, bit by bit.
One tshark has eaten your foot and is well on his way to finishing off what’s left of you;
his friend has already gorged on most of your corpus and has saved your toes for dessert.
Both of them are messy eaters, as witness the drops of blood and other scraps clinging to their pointy little sharky teeth; both have textured gills…
…and both are accompanied by the usual Remora…
… which attach to the host wherever and whenever they please by means of… wait, are you sitting down…? by means of VELCRO.
Yes, Velcro on your knitting… on purpose. Ha ha, knitters, I am messing with your heads! Seriously, though - the top of a Remora’s head, by which it latches on to its host shark, actually does look just like a strip of Velcro, so I really don’t see how I was supposed to resist.
You fuse or sew a little piece of hook Velcro to the top of each Remora’s head…
… and then you can slap the thing on ad hoc, or ad sock, so it clings to the shark’s skin and hangs from your sock wherever it will amuse you most.
OK, so I got a little carried away with the remora thing. Can you blame me?
Toe-up? Top-down? Both. Neither. Some from Column A. Etc.
The Upward-Facing Tshark (as we call him in yogic circles) is more or less toe-up; his short-rowed tail flukes sandwich the sock toe, his short-rowed plump underbelly
embraces the sock heel, and his gaping maw
surrounds the ankle of his victim…
… its pointy picot teeth
biting into the tender flesh.
The Down-Tshark, as you might expect, is worked as it’s positioned, in the opposite direction. Its tail flukes spread upward…
… as it plunges downward to devour the last of its Victim. The latter’s Foot protrudes from the maw - slip-stitch lower jaw on the underside…
… upper jaw nearly covering the deeply-tanned Toes.
Both tsharks are worked in a rough tsharktskin texture…
… that is actually the wrong side of a variant on a classic herringbone stitch pattern…
… the result being that you spend much of your time knitting inside-out - that is, working inside the shark whose dinner you’ve already become, whose fearsome maw…
… has already engulfed you. Aside from the occasional confusion this engenders, the tsock isn’t really particularly difficult, technically speaking.
Not that it matters. After the Tsharks have eaten up every morsel of you, and licked their bloody chops, who will know the difference anyway?
“Shark Week” dove into the water last week, and its terrifying dorsal fins…
… have already been seen circling the mailboxes of several unsuspecting Tsock Club members.
Watch out, my friends. You’re gonna need a bigger knitting bag.
P.S. Almost forgot to mention. The heroines of the dye studio took to calling this one “Bruce” for short… so that’s what we named the main colorway.